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Humorscope Feed
May 2020
By Brook Bhagat
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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Do you have lots of advice to give, but often meet with resistance and/or physical harm when you try to share your “truthy nuggets” with family and friends? Don’t be put off by their recommendations that you direct your all-seeing eye towards yourself—this is just a cry for help. Instead, write down your suggestions and keen judgments about their personal lives on little sticky notes, and put them in places which will surprise them and show them you really care, like the cereal box or maybe their underwear drawer.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Your spiritual growth continues to evolve in its own way, in its own time. Compassion is the flower that will bloom in you this month when you hear Lisa Wilfart’s name called over the intercom at the DMV.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Have you ever dreamed that you were naked in public? Well, this month, if you devote just a little more time and effort to drinking, your dreams might just come true.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You may be seriously considering quitting your job this month, which would be an excellent idea. Unfortunately, you may not be able to go through with it due to the no-quitting policy there.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You know the old expression, “The early bird gets the worm”? Well, this month, the bird is you, and the worm is a brand new electric nose-hair trimmer, 20% off. Congratulations, you bargain hunter, you!
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Are you tired of watching the in-crowd flaunt their flashy phones? Show all those high-falutin’ iphone and Galaxy users that you’re just as fancy by decorating your phone with puffy glitter paint and sequins. I’m pretty sure technology is cyclical—soon they’re all be copying you, and asking you how you made your unlimited-minutes-soup-can-and-string look so good!
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
It’s great to support the local wildlife, and feeding the birds and squirrels is a beautiful gesture. However, if you start to notice things like birds who choose to walk rather than fly, or changes in squirrel behavior like stopping every few seconds to catch their breath when chasing each other on trees, you may want to reexamine their diet. Read a few birdseed nutrition labels, and think it through before buying them fast food burgers and fries every time they chatter for it. Squirrel obesity is no joke.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
While working on your ever-evolving project of making the “ultimate afternoon snack,” you will accidentally discover the secret to creating the anti-gravity combustion engine when you add peanut butter and an overripe banana to some very special nachos from the local gas station, which you will call “nacho drag.” A sudden career change from your current occupation to being a flying car engineer will bring a lot of laughs from your friends and family at first, but follow your gut. You will be laughing all the way to the bank when the first model of the Turbo Nachotron 5000 rolls off the line!
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Sometimes, the answers you are looking for are hiding inside you, and all you need to do is be quiet enough to hear them. In your case, you can probably just follow those big green signs on the highway. They’re usually pretty accurate.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Your life will improve dramatically this month, and people will begin looking at you in a new way and will suddenly start to recognize and respect your intelligence. You may think that the change is due to your new breakfast cereal or your snappy comebacks in conversation, but in fact your good fortune is all thanks to a new facial expression you will have—kind of quizzical and inquiring—due to a large pimple under your eyebrow. Good times!
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
This month, confuse people by making facial expressions that don’t match the words you are saying. For example, you could scowl when you say things like, “Have a good weekend,” and smile sunnily when you say, “I think I’m going to throw up!”
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Just reading self-help books, meditating and eating gazpacho is not getting you anywhere, as Gautam Buddha learned under the Bodhi tree when he got enlightened. You need to find your Middle Way. For you, Sagittarius, the best place to start will be to watch a lot of Soul Train, and understand the deeper level, the koan, if you will, of those smooth, smooth moves. Your Bodhi tree is an ipod, and if you pack it with disco gold, get your courage on and strut your stuff down the street like a Soul Train line dancer, a thousand lotuses will blossom beneath your feet. Well, maybe not literally, but you’re going to have a damn good time. Isn’t that all you really want, anyway?
About the author
Brook Bhagat’s poetry, fiction, non-fiction, and humor have appeared in Monkeybicycle, Empty Mirror Magazine, Anthem: A Tribute to Leonard Cohen, and other journals and anthologies. She and her husband Gaurav created Blue Planet Journal, which she edits and writes for. She teaches creative writing at a community college. Her poetry collection, Only Flying, is due out Nov. 16, 2021 from Unsolicited Press. See more at Brook Bhagat or reach her on Twitter.
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