Humorscope Feed
Subscribe to BPJ RSS
Humorscope Feed
March 2020 Special Edition:
Coronavirus Pandemic Rainy Day Activities*
By Brook Bhagat
Go to Humorscope page for more
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
One word, Capricorn: selfies. Sure, you’ve already shown the social media world the significant differences between you looking left, you looking up, you looking forlornly right and slightly down, you in your yoga pants in the living room, you wearing your seatbelt in the car, and of course you with pouty face. But there’s a whole new untapped market here! What about you sneezing into your elbow? You posing seductively with a bottle of hand sanitizer? You wearing only a mask you-know-where? Sexy!
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Good times with canned goods are in the stars for you, Aquarius, as you ponder the ancient koan of refried beans—where are the “fried beans”? If you fry refried beans a second time, do they become refried refried beans? What about the third time? Is that refried cubed beans? Is it even possible to cut refried beans into cubes? You’ll never know until you try. Prepare to down the best kind of rabbit hole: the kind with a burrito at the bottom.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You may have been hurting for money lately, Pisces, but stockpiling toilet paper and jacking up the price for resale is not the way to get ahead. That’s not just the black market, my friend—that’s the brown market.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Need to create social distancing within the home? One of the best methods for this is a technique most families are already familiar with, know colloquially as “bringing up ancient history.” Sanitary!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Being informed about the virus is a good thing, Taurus, but there’s also a point at which we need to stop reading articles and statistics for the day and relax. If you’ve got extra time on your hands, now is a great time to start meditating. Meditation doesn’t have to mean sitting silently—it’s a quality you can bring to anything in life, like dancing, listening to good music, doing the dishes, or my personal favorite path to enlightenment: binge drinking and watching Scooby Doo. Good times!
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Maybe you can’t go out and play with your friends, but if you’re not sick, you can still play with your pets. Classic sleepover games are classic for a reason. Sure, the dog always seems to win when you play pillow fight, but what about beauty shop? I bet Lassie would look amazing in cornrows!
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Look on the bright side, Cancer: the age of Coronavirus has opened up new ways of pleasuring yourself before bed. Try a thorough eye-rubbing and nose scratching (followed by a thorough hand-washing, of course). Good times!
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Cononavirus March is the perfect time to feel like a rebel by getting out and getting your hands dirty—in your own garden, that is. Maybe this will be the year you discover more in the vegetable beds than the fact that the neighbor cats are using it as a litterbox.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Your spices may be labeled, Virgo, but are they in the cupboard alphabetically? Put in the time you should have years ago, and soon you’ll wonder how you got by before. Even better, you’ll feel a subtle but enjoyable superiority to all the assholes out there keeping their allspice haphazardly next to the turmeric.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Libra, how much time have you spent primping, preening, and obsessing over your appearance? Men, when you see a little gray in your goatee, how many days can you take it before hitting the Moustachio Black? Ladies, is there a certain chin hair that you always pluck before it can enjoy a long, full life? You have an opportunity to declare freedom from the desire to impress anybody—declare it! Let yourself go! No more waxing, shaving, coloring, or dieting! Stop pretending and start loving someone important—the real you, unibrow and all.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
What bothers you the most about your significant other, Scorpio? Now is a great time to help your loved ones with self-improvement. How can they work on their shortcomings unless you point them out? Be safe and enumerate each other’s faults over WhatsApp!
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
What is a pandemic lockdown, really, besides a gift of time? You finally have a chance to read all those classics you faked your way through in school, starting with Finnegan’s Wake, The Sound and the Fury, and of course, One Hundred Years of Solitude. Well, maybe start with the classic humorscopes and work your way up.
*Obviously, there’s nothing funny about the Coronavirus pandemic or COVID-19. We at Blue Planet Journal urge you to act with an abundance of caution, staying home, washing your hands frequently and well, and practicing social distancing. However, if we stopped laughing at things that scare us, nothing would be funny anymore, not even dog farts. And nobody wants to live in a world where the dog farts are allowed to win.
About the author
Brook Bhagat’s poetry, fiction, non-fiction, and humor have appeared in Monkeybicycle, Empty Mirror Magazine, Anthem: A Tribute to Leonard Cohen, and other journals and anthologies. She and her husband Gaurav created Blue Planet Journal, which she edits and writes for. She teaches creative writing at a community college. Her poetry collection, Only Flying, is due out Nov. 16, 2021 from Unsolicited Press. See more at Brook Bhagat or reach her on Twitter.
Did you like the humorscope? Was it incredibly accurate? Please subscribe to our new article alert and/or RSS feeds.
Please leave your comments below:
Advertisement