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June 2020

By Brook Bhagat

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Inner growth and new discoveries in both the spiritual and material realms will bedazzle the summer for you. Specifically, you will buy some ink pens at a dollar store that write with scented ink. They will honestly smell just great and create a deep longing in you to doodle. Cherry is the best.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

This month, you will find yourself unsure of what to send as a birthday present for a friend’s child. Instead of giving them another plastic toy that will end up at the bottom of a closet before the batteries even wear down, give them something that will prepare them for their future, like a fresh stack of the latest tax forms. Kids don’t know what to do with those, you say? Well, they will after they attend the training sessions you’ve set up for them at the certified public accountant’s office! The little angel, no doubt, will be speechless with gratitude.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Did your mother ever tell you that if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all? While this is generally good advice, there are instances in which silence is still preferable, even if you can manage a compliment. A good example of this would be when a relative asks how you like her cooking, and instead of just chewing, smiling and nodding, you wink and cheerfully reply, “Well, I highly doubt that eating it will result in my contracting Salmonella!”

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You’ve been struggling for a long time with a certain problem with a certain person… you know what I mean. Anyhow, the answer has been right under your nose the whole time: yep, you guessed it. Suction cups.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

This month, you may find yourself in the role of “target” by some new hot shot at work who was undoubtedly the bully of his high school. After a week or two of trying to laugh it off and be a mature adult, you realize you will need to fight fire with fire. You spend the entire weekend poring over the interwebs, offering search terms like “zinger” and “top 10 hilarious insults” with great results. After a few hours’ practice in the mirror, you’re ready for Monday, when, as usual, you become the butt of new guy’s latest jokes, which describe you as clumsy and flatulent. Cool as a cucumber, you reply, “Why don’t you shut up and give that hole in your face a chance to heal?” It works like a charm, and all the nearby co-workers go, “Ooo-ooo-ooo!” Your adversary is aghast, and you begin to strut away in victory. Unfortunately, you then trip on your own foot and land on your stomach with a loud fart.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

This month, a sudden and intense revelation will empower you accomplish amazing things. While searching for something to watch on TV one afternoon, you stumble upon a British movie entitled Sex Lives of the Potato Men. As much as you would like to, you are unable to turn away from it, change the channel or move your body in any way, and the realization that “Wow, anyone can make a movie!” hits you like a ton of bricks. You quit your job and begin writing the screenplay for a sequel, entitled Grooming Techniques of the Potato Men, which actually receives better reviews than the original. Good times!

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

What word truly sums you up? Can your entire existence be boiled down to a handful of consonants and vowels? Apparently so. One of your social media “friends” took this powerful quiz and came up with the word “determined;” another was “creative,” and yet another “mystical.” Intrigued, you try the 10-question method of finding your true identity, only to be defined as “corduroy.” Is it a glitch? Maybe. I prefer to think of it as a valid, serendipitous assessment of your nature: soft, warm, and outdated, but in a charming way.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Your new method of channeling your anger into useful household tasks is working wonderfully, resulting in more family harmony and personal happiness. Your neighbors, however, may misunderstand your new-agey emotional intelligence when, engaging in some healthy cathartic banter and boxing with the laundry, they overhear you scream, “That is it, blue towel! You’re going down!”

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Your natural passion and zest for life is a beautiful thing, but sometimes you need to tone it down in public. Specifically, you need to be a little more careful with those fun-to-push grocery store shopping carts. You will learn this lesson the hard way this month when, after a serious accident in the soup aisle, you get a ticket for reckless driving.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

This month, choose a new nickname for yourself that will show everyone that there’s more to you than meets the eye. If you work in a bank, for example, tell all your work friends that you will only answer to “Spike” or maybe “Ace.” If you belong to a motorcycle gang, tell everybody that your new handle is “Haiku,” and share some of your sonnets with them, too. Your friendships will reach new levels when you subsequently learn that Swing Arm enjoys painting watercolors, and Tiny collects glass penguin figurines.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

This month, you will be happy at first when you learn that a vodka cocktail at your favorite bar has been named after you. The emotion will become mixed, however, when you find out that the name of the drink is the “sloppy potato.”

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Your deepest, darkest, most precious fantasy is going to come true this month, Sagittarius. Well, if your deepest, darkest fantasy is to learn how to make macramé owls, anyway. If you try your best, I bet you could make a plant hanger, too. Good times!

About the author

Brook Bhagat

Brook Bhagat’s poetry, fiction, non-fiction, and humor have appeared in Monkeybicycle, Empty Mirror Magazine, Anthem: A Tribute to Leonard Cohen, and other journals and anthologies. She and her husband Gaurav created Blue Planet Journal, which she edits and writes for. She teaches creative writing at a community college. Her poetry collection, Only Flying, is due out Nov. 16, 2021 from Unsolicited Press. See more at Brook Bhagat or reach her on Twitter.

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