Humorscope Feed
Subscribe to BPJ RSS
Humorscope Feed
June 2018
By Jason Graff
Go to Humorscope page for more
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Capricorn, the stars predict many daunting challenges for you this month. Rest assured, you have the resolve needed to face them and succeed. Dealing with this success will be a challenge in itself, but rest assured, you have the resolve needed to deal with it and continue to succeed. Naturally, managing to handle this success will present new challenges. Rest assured….blah, blah, blah and so on….life really is just one circle after another.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Aquarius, your dream of being on a gameshow will finally come true this month. You won’t win, unfortunately, but it is more important that you simply play the game. And yes, your performance won’t be one you’ll want to remember, but you were there, strutting upon life’s stage. Luckily, your insurance will cover most of the fire damage to the studio, but Mr. Brady’s dry cleaning bill will be on you.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Pisces, this month will be a bumpy one. All you can do is hope to ride out the waves. Once again, you’ll be reminded that fate is a fickle mistress but she never enjoys being called “my fate” in a Borat voice. So give it up, will you? That movie is like 15 years old.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
This month will find you gaining full control over some of your many gifts, Aires. Of course, I am literally talking about gifts and your recent inability to pay for things postage due. I don’t know why you mother does that. Try not to let it bother you.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You have much to learn about the world, Taurus. For instance, did you know the Earth’s diameter is 7,917.5 mi? Well, now you have a nice little nugget of information to drop at the next awkward pause in your life. The person you are talking to may look confused as they leave you standing there in the grocery store line, but I’ll bet they’re going to turn around and use it the next time they find themselves in a similar situation.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
This month, Gemini, the important breakthrough you’ve been yearning for will finally come to you. After so many scribbled failures and brainstorming sessions that went nowhere, you finally come up with the perfect elevator pitch for your novel. It won’t necessarily help you get it published, but at least now you’ll be able to tell your family and friends what it’s about.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Cancer, this month your habit of being a people-pleaser will cause problems in your work life. You just can’t go doubling coupons every time a customer asks. Read them before scanning them in or it’s back to bagging for you.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
This month will be one to work on relationships, Leo. Some words of advice to a friend offered at just the right time will make a big difference. Or it would have had you managed to say: don’t eat that, I think it’s been in the dog’s mouth before your roommate polished off that cupcake.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Virgo, this month you will be approached by a talkative stranger in the grocery store line. Listen to what they have to say even if they are terribly awkward. In their pauses and open-mouthed fumbling, a bit of knowledge about the world is likely to spill out. What kind of knowledge, you ask? Well, let’s just say it might be something diametric.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Libra, this month will see you getting into a new hobby. The collecting and construction of model airplanes will prove surprisingly satisfying to you. Also, you will love the smell of that glue.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Scorpio, this month you’d do well to keep in mind two quotes from one of the 20th Century’s foremost thinkers. For it was Bertrand Russel who told us: To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom. He also is less famously credited with observing: Whosoever smelt it, dealt it.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Now is the time to make your move, Sagittarius. Accept the opportunity the music is giving you. Shake your groove thing…yeah, yeah.
About the author
Jason Graff is a writer living in Texas with his wife and son. At The Thing Itself, you can read his editor’s choice winning story, “Heady.” The Homestead Review has published his flash fiction piece “Where You Find It.” His novella is waiting for you to discover it. He can be found on Twitter @jasongraff1, Facebook at Author Jason Graff and his website. His first full-length novels, heckler and Stray Our Pieces, will be released in 2019 by Unsolicited Press and Waldorf Publishing, respectively.
Did you like the humorscope? Was it incredibly accurate? Please subscribe to our new article alert and/or RSS feeds.
Please leave your comments below:
Advertisement