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July 2018

By Jason Graff

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Good luck with your new job this month, Capricorn. Dog walking will prove both more rewarding and more difficult than you imagined. Some customers will have trouble trusting you at first. Others will fail to provide the proper instructions as to how to care for their canines. And then there's Charon who will try to pay you in coins despite the fact his dog Cerberus is, shall we say, quite the handful. Better plan on bringing some extra plastic bags.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You'll give new meaning to the term hashtag this month, Aquarius. How will it happen? What that could possibly mean? What effect will it have on your life going forward? Only I can know. Maybe you can recruit some friends to help me get one trending? #nomorefreebies

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Pisces, this month will be one of new beginnings. A chance for you to finally make a good first impression. Getting off on the right foot has been a challenge for you, so this represents the kind of opportunity you’ve so longed for. Did you know worker ants can carry 5,000 times their body weight? Unfortunately, by the time you've read all of this, the moment will have passed and the opportunity will go begging. In hindsight, I didn’t need to include that bit about the ant. What was I thinking?

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

The modern world will continue to confound you this month, Aires. This news should be neither surprising nor alarming. You’ve long been bruised and battered by the rapid changes in contemporary society. In most cases, your fears will be unfounded and even costly. However, you'll be correctly suspicious when someone describes something as auto tune for your soul. That stuff is whack, yo.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

This month Taurus you will have the chance to put some of your finest qualities to work. Let others stand and admire you. And woe to any of them who get in your way. Your ambition and eye for beauty will serve you well when you spy the last remaining pair of truly kicking jellies at The Dollar Store.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Your most fervent hopes for the future will be set in motion this month, Gemini. It starts will a sandwich, a canoe, and a placid lake and ends with lunch on the other side. Now seems a good time to remind you, I am only a seer. If the future holds less than exciting things for you, it isn’t my fault.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

This month, your fate will be in the hands of another, Cancer. A discomfiting notion, I realize, but you must learn to look at things thusly: I'm here to make predictions, not reassure you. Who do you think I am anyway? Help me get a hashtag trending and maybe I’ll give you a hint. #nomorefreebies

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Leo, you'd do well to keep some wise words in mind this month. Again and again, you'll have to remind your crewmates of the words of Jean-Paul Sartre: “Only the guy who isn't rowing has time to rock the boat.” You might add, “so quit whining, you preppy meatheads,” just to drive your point home as you finish last yet again at the regatta.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Virgo, this will be a month in which you learn startling things about our natural world. When a rather dejected looking soul passes some factoid about worker ants on to you, be appreciative— they might be dealing with a missed opportunity that will never come their way again.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Libra, some secondhand ant knowledge will be very useful this month. Don't worry about how, just listen to the bewildered person who passes it along. They only look confused because they cannot comprehend how beneficial it can be. I mean, 5000 times its body weight! Amazing!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

This month, Scorpio, will herald many changes in your life. Financial, personal, romantic, professional, every area of your world will be affected. A simple sacrifice will see things working in your favor so profoundly you'll wish you'd stopped using Axe body spray ages ago.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Sagittarius, you keep doing good deeds and expecting good to come back to you. That isn’t quite how karma works. There are nuances you're not picking up on. Consider this a primer.

About the author

Jason Graff

Jason Graff is a writer living in Texas with his wife and son. At The Thing Itself, you can read his editor’s choice winning story, “Heady.” The Homestead Review has published his flash fiction piece “Where You Find It.” His novella is waiting for you to discover it. He can be found on Twitter @jasongraff1, Facebook at Author Jason Graff and his website. His first full-length novels, heckler and Stray Our Pieces, will be released in 2019 by Unsolicited Press and Waldorf Publishing, respectively.


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