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January 2020

By Brook Bhagat

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chinese food

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Change is the flavor of the decade for you, Capricorn. You start the new year off by binge-watching martial arts movies, which, in itself, is always a good decision. However, your previously cordial relationship with the owners of your favorite Chinese restaurant, which involved good tips for them and free eggrolls for you, will change forever when, instead of “kung pao chicken,” you order “kung fu chicken.” Quite unfairly, you will blame Jackie Chan.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

It has long been speculated that every human being has a doppelganger, or living double, somewhere on the earth. This year, you will meet your doppelganger quite accidentally in the dentist’s office, where you discover that not only do you look like twins, but you both have gingivitis. A beautiful friendship is born, which will result in lots of hilarious dating hijinks and a solemn pact to encourage each other to floss.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

2020 brings overnight success in your new career as the superhero, “Bore Maniac,” causing criminals to instantly lose consciousness when you tell fascinatingly long and detailed stories about your personal filing system, tax returns, and embroidery projects. An article entitled “Boredom as a Superpower” is published in the local newspaper, and your popularity soars. Your days as the city’s vigilante savior are cut short, however, when a comic strip in the same paper suggests a different and rather degrading meaning for the letters “B.M.,” which you have embroidered boldly on your spandex crime-fighting costume. You become a laughingstock, and the villains of the city can no longer keep a straight face when you appear on the scene, rendering your powers useless. To make matters worse, your true identity will be guessed immediately by friends and family, who have always known about your superpower. In the end, though, the joke will be on them when you make millions acting in commercials as the mascot for an up-and-coming fiber laxative company. Good times!

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

This year, be careful who you trust. You never know who is secretly peeing in the shower. And/or the closet.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Mystery will be the flavor of 2020 for you, Taurus. After handing back a bathroom key welded to a ladle the size of your arm at Taco Bell, you will wish you could wash your hands, but there’s no way out of that kind of paradox, and you know it. Kind of a Could-God-make-a-rock-so-big-He-couldn’t lift-it type of situation.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

This year will be pretty much the same as last year, Gemini. Well, except for the ninjas.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

As the old Zen saying goes, “Spring comes, and the grass grows by itself.” Sometimes problems solve themselves, and the best thing to do is to do nothing at all. Other times, you need to stop being a wuss and looking for old Zen sayings to support your wussiness. That is Zen abuse and your inner Buddha and I have had just about enough of it.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

If your friends jump off the Brooklyn Bridge, does that mean you have to jump too? There’s nothing cool about being “busy.” This year, make a resolution to stop showing off and doing stuff all the time.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

This year, your life may feel like it is crumbling around you like a house of cards, or maybe a house of cards made of very crumbly cookies decorated to look like cards. Disillusionment will leap at you from every shadow and force you to question every shred of truth you thought you knew was real. Has your courage been underscored by cowardice? Is your hard-earned wisdom really idiotic? Kind of, but it’s not nearly as bad as you think. All you really need is a good set of Tupperware and a solid date planner and everything will work out fine.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You have a difficult dilemma you have been wrestling with for a long time now, but, like Virgo, your answer is much simpler than you think. Two words: fake moustache.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

This year, throw caution to the wind and flaunt your freedom! By that I mean that even though you can’t afford to go scuba diving, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t wear your goggles and snorkel out in public. Who’s to say what’s appropriate headgear for restaurants, shopping malls, or bowling alleys? Be true to your inner diver! If you feel shy, wait until you can save up and get the matching flippers.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You have been worrying needlessly for years about what your friends think of you. By now, it’s pretty much impossible to make a good impression, so this year, take it easy and be yourself!

About the author

Brook Bhagat

Brook Bhagat’s poetry, fiction, non-fiction, and humor have appeared in Monkeybicycle, Empty Mirror Magazine, Anthem: A Tribute to Leonard Cohen, and other journals and anthologies. She and her husband Gaurav created Blue Planet Journal, which she edits and writes for. She teaches creative writing at a community college. Her poetry collection, Only Flying, is due out Nov. 16, 2021 from Unsolicited Press. See more at Brook Bhagat or reach her on Twitter.

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