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January 2019
By Christopher Scribner
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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You’re the kind of person who dislikes being kissed while vomiting. Romance surprises you; you will become engaged, marry, and have two wonderful children … and also a third child. Although ultimately pointless, bowling proves to be a nice way to kill a couple of hours. Your investment in silkworms proves profitable. And no, nobody wants your old music CDs.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You’re the kind of person who prefers to eat foods that you like. Dental concerns loom large this month, but you struggle to find a workable appointment time. Wish not for the teeth of a Hollywood movie star; that’s just gross. Find inspiration betwixt the antlers of the lesser kudu. And trim your toenails.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You’re the kind of person who treats their siblings and cousins like family. Challenges lie ahead; prepare to journey to hell and back, and save your receipts for tax purposes. Draw a yin-yang on your cheek with a Sharpie before going to Whole Foods, and let your needs be known as you crouch near the expensive chocolates. Your neighbors deem your recycling efforts insufficient, but denial mitigates the sting. And change your furnace filter.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You’re the kind of person who tends to keep your private thoughts to yourself. You pine for your old satellite service as streaming TV fails to live up to the hype. Remember that the dik-dik cannot bear a saddle, so you’ll need to find other travel options. Your fiancée will understand. And quit staring at me.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You’re the kind of person who has more life experience now than you used to. Celebrate your wisdom by taking in a soccer game, but resist the urge to play chess on the panels of the game ball – I knew a guy who lost his teeth that way. Stop and smell the roses; a dusting of pollen on the nose produces surprising results. Rollercoasters help dislodge a kidney stone. And beware of food trucks.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You’re the kind of person who tends to hang up after completing a phone call. Gift cards offer solace this month. You are amused when the old man getting his hair cut next to you asks the stylist not to trim his eyebrows, but braid them. It’s a free country, after all. And take those plastic bags to the grocery for recycling.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You’re the kind of person who knows some people better than others. This month, the tufted titmouse bears glad tidings, but resist the siren call of the loggerhead turtle; nothing but trouble there. Your closet expands as you winnow it of garments bound for Goodwill. And spray some WD-40 on that squeaky pantry door.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You’re the kind of person who prefers to sleep until awakening. Let Nod weigh down your eyelids as you rest in peaceful slumber, but it’s okay to get up once or twice to pee. It’s safest to do this seated, dizzy in the darkness. Dispense with the alarm; trust that Pegasus will rouse you by kicking the clock off the wall. And remember to wash your hands.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You’re the kind of person who insists on keeping used paper clips. Banana slugs braised in Chardonnay and shallots dazzle your dinner guests. Ocelots bring you comfort. Calculus helps you determine how best to use that 20% off coupon at Macy’s. And steer clear of apiaries.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You’re the kind of person who occasionally sniffs dry-erase markers. Check your family tree this month and discover that some of your forbears were actually bears. Quell the humiliation of this by indulging in double scoops of ice cream, top-heavy in a sugar cone. Find a nice tree to sit under, or scratch up against. And remember to waterproof your deck.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You’re the kind of person who prefers not to be criticized, or scalded with boiling water. Make the most of the winter by planting some bulbs – but steer clear of the LED ones, which have a bluish cast. Society has had enough of that. If approached by a minotaur, call 911. And get rid of that ratty t-shirt you’ve slept in since college.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You’re the kind of person who digests food unthinkingly. The car in front of you remains still after the light turns green. You will pray mercifully for the driver as you yank the steering wheel to get around him. He is probably checking his phone, lost in grief, passed out, or some combination of those. Regardless, you’ll feel empowered and superior to him as you pray. And be wary of super glue.
About the author
Christopher Scribner’s poetry, satire, and humor has appeared internationally in The Quarterday Review, Euphony, Light, Parody, Untamed Ink, Rat’s Ass Review, Survey of Ophthalmology, Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, Journal of Irreproducible Results and other publications. When not writing, he teaches psychology at Lindenwood University.
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