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February 2020

By Brook Bhagat

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

This month, don’t give up on your brilliant mind. Sure, Beyoncé’s “real” lyrics might be “All the single ladies,” but you should keep singing, “All the single lettuce” when you hear it on the radio. How many people have the sensitivity to really understand and give a voice to that last piece of lettuce, sitting there all alone in the cold, cold refrigerated section of the grocery store? I also happen to agree with you that the 80’s hit “Every Time You Go Away” makes much more sense if, instead of, “You take a piece of me with you,” the second line goes, “You take a piece of meat with you.” This song is about a person whose neighbor is constant coming over and eating, and never returning the favor or any of your delicious food. This is injustice, and the time to stand up and speak out is now. Sing it loud and sing it proud!

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Your creative genius strikes gold this month, and you finally make a significant contribution to society when you realize that the most important factor for the success of just about any Facebook game is whether its name ends in “ville.” The new, wildly popular games you create will not only provide you with a steady income, but “Herpesville,” “Crabsville” and “Syphilisville” will spread awareness like wildfire!

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You have all the tools you need to get everything you want if you can just find new ways to look at the world around you. Pulling the pin and spraying a fire extinguisher, for example, is not only an excellent way to put out a small fire, but it’s a sure way to change the topic of any conversation.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Boredom will be a challenge for you this month. Brighten your days and the days of those around you with a little creativity! My suggestion is to call a tech hotline and ask for help with Mozzarella Firefox, or maybe drive through Starbuck’s and order a caramel machete.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Do your friends come over, drink all your beer, and crash out on the couch and floor? You are getting older every day, and it’s time to stop doing childish things like drawing on them with markers or decorating them with shaving cream. Alcoholism is a serious disease; you need to teach them a lesson about the dangers of drinking, and mockery is clearly not working. In this case, confusion and fear may be more effective. So, the next time they pass out in your living room, scare them straight by positioning them with business law books in their hands, or maybe knitting needles with half-made sweaters.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

The morning rush hour traffic jams are annoying, and all that pollution is horrible for the environment. Instead of cursing, grinding your teeth and making fingernail gauges in your steering wheel, try riding your bike to work. Not only will you get in shape, but you’ll finally have the excuse you’ve been looking for to wear those fluorescent orange spandex pants to work.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Have you ever gotten a cramp in your baby toe? If not, there could be a new experience in store for you this month.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Have you ever thought that you could communicate telepathically with squirrels, or that you were “freaking them out” when you imitate them with those jerky head motions? Well, you can’t, and you’re not. Squirrels always look like that, and your neighbors are laughing at you behind your back.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Your courage will spark a new era of love, peace and solidarity this month when you reveal to the internet world that you’re not ashamed to admit that you sleep with a “blankie,” and keep a large piece of its lint in your wallet so that you can be together all the time. Suddenly, fellow blankie lovers of all colors, castes and creeds will begin coming out and standing up together for world peace and the human right to nap undisturbed. Your original song and Youtube video, “Don’t Blank my Blankie (Not Hidin’ Under the Covers No More)” will go viral, and you will eventually be credited with inspiring peace in the Middle East when, in an unprecedented act of civil disobedience, protesters from diverse backgrounds and religions knit together the largest blanket ever recorded and literally cover the Gaza Strip for the world’s first mass nap-in, called “Peace Blanket.” Good times!

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Your natural curiosity will lead you to research the intelligence of dolphins, and you will begin to feel that they are just as intelligent as humans, or even more so. You will set out on a quest to prove it and end up swimming in an angelic cove off the coast of Belize with a dozen of these beautiful creatures. You will end up changing your mind about your theory, however, when one of them begins humping your leg.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

This month, you will spend 2-3 hours a day at the local gas station, waiting for the rush hour and then making nachos very, very slowly so that, when somebody gets impatient and starts to crowd you, you can snap, “Back off man! This is nacho business!” It will be worth it.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

The darkest time comes just before dawn this month when, late one night, walking in Chinatown alone and depressed, you stumble across a warmly lit doorway and are invited inside. The proprietor of the tattoo parlor is a beautiful woman who is ready to listen for hour after hour over glass after glass of baijiu while you share with her all the twists and turns that have led to the sad state of affairs that is your life. When you leave the next morning, you will have a renewed faith in yourself, due in part to the fresh Chinese character tattoo on your forearm which, even if it was expensive, makes you feel like a “warrior.” This will lead to renewed confidence and, consequently, success in your career and relationships, so much so that I almost hate to ruin the surprise you’ll get on an all-Asia tour the following year, where you’ll you find out it actually means “bitter idiot.”

About the author

Brook Bhagat

Brook Bhagat’s poetry, fiction, non-fiction, and humor have appeared in Monkeybicycle, Empty Mirror Magazine, Anthem: A Tribute to Leonard Cohen, and other journals and anthologies. She and her husband Gaurav created Blue Planet Journal, which she edits and writes for. She teaches creative writing at a community college. Her poetry collection, Only Flying, is due out Nov. 16, 2021 from Unsolicited Press. See more at Brook Bhagat or reach her on Twitter.

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