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February 2019
By Christopher Scribner
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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
This is the month you decide to further your education. You learn CPR, sharpen up your knitting technique, and master the basics of Microsoft Excel, but get kicked out of your adult ed. ornithology class when you can’t quit giggling at the name blue-footed booby.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Walking your dog this month, you marvel that he is so unfazed that his twice-daily periods of al fresco “freedom” entail being restrained by a leash and harness. Or at least he seems unfazed – his inner doggy thoughts might tell a different story: Muted resentment at having his travels restricted, multigenerational rage about the unwanted domestication by Neolithic hunter-gatherers, and delicious joy at your frustration when he extends the walk’s duration with his repeated small, passive-aggressive, nearly inconsequential spurts of pee.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Your favorite movie theater upgrades to cushy reclining seats, just like you have at home. You enjoy watching a new-release film in the familiar comfort of the easy chair until you’re distracted by the two kids nattering at each other three rows back. A dog begins nosing your lap, signaling its desire to be taken out. You notice the carpet could sure use a vacuuming, and the trash cans really need to be emptied. An usher pulls you away and asks you to do something about the clogged toilet in the lobby restroom. Caught unawares, you search in vain for a plunger, and grudgingly purchase one for $39.99 at the concession counter. You finally understand the appeal of Netflix.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You continue honoring your New Year’s resolution to inhale less. Two exhales per inhale seems a favorable ratio, and you see the benefits accrue. Reduced lightheadedness. Noticeably quieter sighs. More air available for harvest by the local wind farms, and the attendant federal tax benefits. Even an unexpected, though miniscule, weight loss. But with all that exhaling, make sure to keep a large supply of breath mints on hand. Your friends will thank you.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
February is a weary month as your sleep is disturbed each night by confusing mental activity – a nightmare about being chased morphs into a pleasant sensation of sitting on a sunny beach, then realizing you’re naked and walking to school for an exam you forgot to study for, and the pencil you’re writing with keeps producing emojis rather than letters. You try to scream, but make no sound as you’re falling, falling through space, then you’re on the roadside trying to change a flat tire, and gladdened when Miley Cyrus shows up to lend a hand. Upon waking, you Google possible solutions, and voila! – the month ends well after you empty out your dreamcatcher!
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
In the spirit of service, you volunteer this month to bring food to the housebound elderly – whether they want it or not – and to staff the local hospital’s Tepid Line, for people calling in with problems that aren’t really a crisis.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You drive back to the neighborhood of your youth and notice the houses look smaller and the blocks seem shorter. You’re unsettled by this until you see in his front yard the chubby 6th grader who used to bully you, and realize you’re now much bigger than him. Smelling the sweet scent of revenge, you tease him about his backpack and provoke him into a fight.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
This month, your neighbor shames you for going out to the mailbox in your pajama pants and slippers. You confront him, asserting your right to wear what you wish on your own property. It’s all bluster, though, and for the rest of the month you are sufficiently chastened that you don’t make that trek to the mailbox unless suitably dressed in sneakers, white linen slacks, suspenders, a denim vest, a gender-neutral lime green infinity scarf, and a porkpie hat.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
I know you are, but what am I? And: Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You decide this month to try that trendy new restaurant serving “only the freshest.” It’s live lobster for the main course, accompanied by a box of dirt from which you dig your own potatoes. Bunches of dandelions with their flowers just going to seed provide the salad greens to mix with a gnarled, misshapen cucumber still dusted with topsoil. You accept the waiter’s offer of freshly cracked black pepper from his oversized peppermill, while insisting that he also bring you a slab of salt to lick. Keepin’ it real.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
As you make your way through February, recall grandma’s admonition that you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Indulge your curiosity by experimenting with other potential fly-attractants: cinnamon, saffron, packing peanuts, toggle bolts, microfiber cloth, silken tofu. You’ll undoubtedly find none of these an improvement over the original ingredients. Like many of us, flies just find that sweet ‘n’ sour formula irresistible!
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Committed to expanding your knowledge of the animal kingdom, you travel to the zoo this month. In your journal, you record observations of the social behavior of the meerkats, the frolicking of Grevey’s zebra, and the obvious impotent rage of caged birds of prey with clipped wings. But your learning curve flattens out at the primate display, where the orangutan leaning against the glass challenges you to a staring contest and you are simply unwilling to concede.
About the author
Christopher Scribner’s poetry, satire, and humor has appeared internationally in The Quarterday Review, Euphony, Light, Parody, Untamed Ink, Rat’s Ass Review, Survey of Ophthalmology, Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, Journal of Irreproducible Results and other publications. When not writing, he teaches psychology at Lindenwood University.
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