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December 2020
By Brook Bhagat
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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
This month, find one of those full suits of armor standing up in a museum, sneak it to the bathroom, put it on and go back to its plaque. Don’t scare museum-goers by saying something childish like “booga booga.” Just clear your throat. Classic.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will once again be reminded that your sense of humor is slightly different from others’ when you try to market your new idea for threatening fortune cookies.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will be dismayed at first this month when what should have been a simple transaction for an adult-sized unicorn costume becomes a rather unpleasant dispute in the Ebay Resolution Center. A late-night call to a customer service agent in the Philippines, however, will result in the opportunity to speak to a version of yourself living in an alternate universe. Surprisingly, neither of you will have much to say, other than rehashing the age-old debates about who made the best Van Halen frontman and who was better, old Becky or new Becky, which is weird. Everybody knows it’s old Becky.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
This month, you will put the finishing touches on your new screenplay, a sequel to The Fifth Element based loosely on the Chinese Zodiac Elements. Your story will feature Milla Jovovich once again saving the world, but instead of using the power of love, she will be using the power of the element “Earth,” and defeat the bad guys by throwing dirt clods at them. I, for one, think it will be even better than the original.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You know that extravagant item you’ve been thinking of buying? Well, don’t do it. I think a spatula would work just as well.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
It will be in your best interest to be nice to the annoying people at work, even though they are idiots. You never know when they might bring cupcakes.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
If you are trying to learn Spanish, it is a great idea to make little stickers with the Spanish names for things on household items. The English ones don’t seem to be teaching your cat how to read, though.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You are full of questions, and your mind has been running around in circles lately. Sometimes we overlook the most obvious answer to a dilemma because we just don’t want to see it, but it’s time to face the music. Have you even considered the fact that your cat might be a zombie?
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
This month, you will stop assuming you know who you are, based on the shallow judgements of others, and question your true nature. Your creativity will explode, bringing growth to your innermost being and resulting in nearly a dozen new microwaveable cheese sauce recipes. Good times!
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Things will take a turn for the better this month if you would stop being so stubborn and begin to focus on improving your health. Listen to your mother and give up that cholesterol-ridden unicorn meat!
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Persistent car trouble, this month, will teach you that no job is impossible if you have the tools you need. The main tool you will need is a new car.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Your higher calling is a dream that must be followed, Scorpio, and the Universe wants it to come true. What would the world look like if Martin Luther King, Jr., Albert Einstein, or Susan Sarandon had listened to the people who told them to “be practical” or “get a real job”? Similarly, you also must learn to follow your heart and pay no mind to the haters who tell you “humans just can’t turn into dolphins.”
About the author
Brook Bhagat’s work has appeared in Monkeybicycle, Empty Mirror Magazine, Anthem: A Tribute to Leonard Cohen, and other journals and anthologies, and she is the winner of A Story in 100 Words’s nature writing contest. She and her husband Gaurav created Blue Planet Journal, which she edits and writes for, and she is an assistant professor of English at a community college. Her poetry collection, Only Flying, is due out in Nov. 2021 from Unsolicited Press. See more at Brook Bhagat or reach her on Twitter.
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