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December 2018

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holiday candles

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Your holiday season will be a season of joy, Capricorn, complete with good friends, hot rum toddies, and candlelight sing-alongs. It will also be a season of learning, in which you really internalize teachings you had heard before about never leaving an open flame unattended and never skimping on home insurance.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

This holiday season, romance is in the air, Aquarius! Well, that or you have a gas leak. Either way, get it checked before someone gets hurt.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Sometimes it’s difficult to make sense of this world, with all its mysteries and inequalities. You will find peace in studying the law of karma, which states that nothing in this world can happen to you that you don’t deserve. Why are some people born rich, and others poor? Why are some children happy, kind and good at math, while others just like to put trash in your mailbox? Another way of looking at it is that there’s nothing you can do, either good or bad, that won’t come back to haunt you. Keep this in mind at the restaurant later tonight, when you consider ordering the all-you-can-eat platter of hot wings.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You’ve been learning a lot on YouTube lately, which is great. Not every repair is a do-it-yourself project, however. You will learn this the hard way from a video entitled “Save Money At-home Root Canal.”

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will have an awkward encounter with your admittedly androgynous postal carrier this month when you remember a bill you need to mail and call out, “Wait, mailman, um, ladyman, I mean, mail lady.” This will be the beginning of a lot of learning and soul-searching for you, and you will be impressed with just how far the modern world has come with progressive terms like “mail carrier,” “fire fighter,” and “chairperson.” You will become inspired to bring more justice to the oppressive English language, and write a letter addressed to “Dictionary people” arguing that the black widow spider should be renamed “the black spouse spider.” The dictionary people will agree and change the name immediately, and you will be heralded as a freedom fighter (among spiders, anyway).

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will betray your favorite neighborhood diner where you are a “regular” by eating at the ritzy national chain diner across town. You will then dare to return to your beloved local eatery, where you will try to hide your shame with small-talk and a hurried request for “the usual.” The waitress will see right through you, and give you a look that would make Mussolini quake in his boots. You deserve it, though. How could you?

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Someone is going to steal your trash can. Family members may assert the hypothesis that it was just blown away by the wind, but believe me, it was stolen. The only reasonable course of action is to take a few days off work and develop extensive plans and notes on the various suspects—your neighbors, mostly, and other enemies who had the motives and spare time to execute this vile act—and how to catch them and bring them to justice. Don’t give in to said family members who might encourage you to simply buy a new trash can. Instead, buy a bulletin board and a subscription to Netflix, and watch the X-Files from beginning to end (so you can really get the most out of your bulletin board). You will feel depressed, empty and cheated after watching the last episode, but don’t worry. That’s normal. Just remember everything that you have been through is in the name of justice. That’s what you will tell your boss, anyway.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

This month, a confrontation with the neighbors while you are out walking the dog will make it clear that not everyone appreciates your creative interpretations of scripture, and I have to agree that they have a point. You know as well as I do that when Gautam Buddha said, “Strip yourself of worldly desire,” that’s not what he meant.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Until now, your love for ranch dressing has been under control. I completely agree that ranch is delicious on salads, sandwiches, and even fries. This month, however, you will take it to a new level, and your friends will become worried when you begin wearing a trench coat regardless of the weather and keep a full flask of ranch dressing in the inside pocket at all times, surreptitiously taking a “pull” every time you think no one’s looking. Soon, your desire for the ranch will consume your life—school, work, friends, and family will all seem meaningless next to that creamy, zesty bliss. Your loved ones will stage a ranch intervention, and you will eventually admit through your tears that you have a problem and beg for professional help. After rehab, you will switch to honey mustard.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

The bliss of meditation opens new doors in you, and your silent awareness of your own ego continues to become more profound. You will suddenly realize this, become egotistical about it, and have to start over.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Perhaps you should try focusing a bit more on your inner voice, and reflecting on your actions and true intentions, instead of binge-watching the admittedly hilarious rerun antics of Alice and the gang over at Mel’s diner. There’s a good chance you have been saying yes when you should say no, no when you should say yes, and “Kiss my grits” when you should say, “Sorry, Officer. How fast was I going?”

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Have you been struggling to lose weight? Do certain parts of your anatomy resemble a soup spoon? It’s a little known fact that “you are what you eat” is actually a mistranslation. The real expression is, “you are what you eat with.” Forget about low-carb, low-fat and all that nonsense. Instead, give away all your silverware and buy a jumbo-size package of toothpicks to eat whatever you want with. You’ll be slim and trim in no time!

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