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Humorscope Feed
August 2020
By Brook Bhagat
Go to Humorscope page for more
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
This month, disaster is narrowly averted when you heed the wisdom of the warning on a Walmart beach ball that reads, “Use only under competent supervision.” They may be adorable and offer great rates, as babysitters go (who can beat watermelon rinds and tuna fish?), but I think deep down you already knew that gang of racoons wasn’t really “competent” to watch the baby.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
This month, you will learn the hard way that scented candles, rose petals, polyester lingerie and a product-heavy “bed-head” hairdo are a recipe for combustion as well as romance. Luckily, your quick-thinking lover will minimize the damage by blasting you with a nearby fire extinguisher, and your new “pixie cut” is going to look great!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Soon, in deep meditation, all your illusions will come crashing down, leading eventually to your complete undoing. The veil of samsara will be lifted; you will get a glimpse of the true nature of reality and will probably start buying your favorite toothpaste in bulk.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
As the saying goes, “A penny saved is a penny earned.” A penny dropped off the Eiffel tower, however, can kill a man. Remember that.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
This month, most of the life lessons that will help you the most will be found in the movie Moonstruck. For example, “Playing it safe is just about the most dangerous thing a woman like you could do,” probably means that you should quit your job at the library and consider a career as a ninja, or perhaps an international spy.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
This month, you will peel potatoes like they’ve never been peeled before! No, I mean it, all the potatoes you peel will be ones which have never been peeled before. Good times!
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will be worried, this month, when you discover two itchy lumps on your back. Soon, though, they will grow into a glorious set of small but powerful wings. It will take some time to get all your clothes tailored to accommodate them, but once you get used to flying you will save tons on gas money.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will find great peace once you stop expecting so much from your cat and try to be a little more eager to please. She will accept you once you have proven yourself worthy.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
This month, you will see some ducks crossing the road. Cross it with them and you will find that you can walk on water. When you start your new religion, remember that you saw it first here. A 10% cut would be great.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Love is in the stars for you, Libra! You’ve been feeling lonely lately, and the time has come to do something about it. If you want to make more friends and possibly find that special someone, try joining an underground revolutionary group that frees animals from zoos and medical research labs, like the one in 12 Monkeys. Nothing bonds people together like fighting for a righteous cause, wearing special matching clothes and possibly going to jail together. Plus, when you go on “raids,” I think you could definitely wear your yoga pants and even your fancy underwear underneath, for extra confidence. Booyah!
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
If you really want to be popular, you should start calling pancakes “flapjacks.” That’s what all the cool kids are doing.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Walking along a beach at dawn, as if by fate, you stumble and fall over what you think is a rock and discover a tarnished silver pitcher half-buried in the sand. A mystical energy overwhelms you as you grasp the vessel and examine its ancient, lavish designs and mysterious inscriptions. When you pour out the sand from the artifact, you are instantly transported to a neon blue control tower from which you can see all of time and space laid out before you like a labyrinth. With the power of thought, you are able to move effortlessly to any point throughout history and alter past and future events. You use your newfound infinite power to make hilarious videos to submit to America’s Funniest Home Videos, which you will eventually win, albeit by cheating. Congratulations!
About the author
Brook Bhagat’s work has appeared in Monkeybicycle, Empty Mirror Magazine, Anthem: A Tribute to Leonard Cohen, and other journals and anthologies, and she is the winner of A Story in 100 Words’s nature writing contest. She and her husband Gaurav created Blue Planet Journal, which she edits and writes for, and she is an assistant professor of English at a community college. Her poetry collection, Only Flying, is due out in Nov. 2021 from Unsolicited Press. See more at Brook Bhagat or reach her on Twitter.
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