the science and soul of an innocent world


Humorscope Feed

BPJ Humorscope Feed

Subscribe to BPJ RSS
Humorscope Feed

Enter your email:

Delivered by FeedBurner

August 2018

By Jason Graff

Go to Humorscope page for more


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Capricorn, this month is looking bountiful. You know better than to look good fortune in the mouth. Seizing upon opportunities is how you survive in this cruel, cruel, cold, cold world. There is no use in pretending to be shy about such things. When the lady in front of you at checkout bends down to pick up her phone, it would be a crime against your nature not to help yourself to her unguarded and uncovered rotisserie chicken.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Aquarius, your trademark stubbornness will serve you well this week. It will help keep you on your current path and this is going to pay off big time. Best of all, it’s going to be so great putting this in the face of everyone who doubted you. So sweet!

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Pisces, you will want to tread lightly this month. Mercury is in retrograde, so you know what this means. You do, don’t you? I mean, I hope so, I need someone to explain this stuff to me. I’m supposed to know about this stuff, you see, and well, my resume was just one big lie. Not unlike the life I live, which itself seems more and more a grotesque farrago. Will no one come to lead me out of the darkness in which I dwell? Anyway, where was I…oh yes…the Mercury thing. What is that all about?

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Aires, your lead foot will not serve you well this month. The ticket will be expensive and having to go to court is always a drag. In times like these, it is useful to ponder the words of Michel Foucault, who reminds us that in its function, the power to punish is not essentially different from that of curing or educating. So maybe look at it as a cure for having a bloated wallet and all that time on your hands.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Grappling with the whims of fate has never proved as challenging as it will this month, Taurus. It will be as if your life is being buffeted by wayward winds, blowing you this way and that. In the end, the hardest problem you’ll face won’t be what exactly to make of it all but what to do with your hair. I mean, yikes, they don’t make gel strong enough to hold all that together.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

This month will be one for spirited debate, Gemini. It will also be one for debating the spirits. You may wish to warn your neighbors not to mind the yelling or wonder why you are spending so much time alone in doors.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Cancer, you have much to think about when it comes to personal relationships this month. On one hand, you’ve put a lot of time into building rapport with a certain special someone. On the other…listen, I can’t make a joke about this. You’ve got some thinking to do and need the space and the time to do it. Step away from your device, put it down and take some time for you.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Leo, you’ve come a long way in the last few months. It would be a shame to see those gains reversed because you failed to continue to follow my advice. Just keep sending those payments to my PayPal account and things will continue to gradually, if sometimes haltingly, improve.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Virgo, this month will be one of uncommon peace and serenity for you. No one will be bothering you, pestering you for things. Your phone will hardly ding. Nary will a text message come to your electronic doorstep. You won’t even get any spam emails. Naturally, this will all do a number of your self-esteem. Good luck dealing with that. I’m a seer, not a therapist.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

This month, Libra, you will understand the meaning of the phrase family comes first. Especially when you let the fact that you are throwing a party slip around your deadbeat uncle. He and your other uncle and your aunt and all your cousins will show up early but not to help, no. They’ll begin eating everything in sight. My advice? Make some extra cocktail weenies.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will find yourself grappling with both near misses and loss this month, Scorpio. Each will teach you a little more about the world around you and the people you share it with. The best example of this will occur on a trip to the grocery store when a quick bump of the knee keeps your new phone from crashing to the ground, probably saving it from destruction. Of course, when you get home later to discover part of your chicken dinner has been eaten and remember the face of the person behind you, you’ll wonder if it was worth it.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Sagittarius, you will continue to search for ways to join the so-called “in crowd.” Can it be as simple as something like lip gloss?

About the author

Jason Graff

Jason Graff is a writer living in Texas with his wife and son. At The Thing Itself, you can read his editor’s choice winning story, “Heady.” The Homestead Review has published his flash fiction piece “Where You Find It.” His novella is waiting for you to discover it. He can be found on Twitter @jasongraff1, Facebook at Author Jason Graff and his website. His first full-length novels, heckler and Stray Our Pieces, will be released in 2019 by Unsolicited Press and Waldorf Publishing, respectively.


Did you like the humorscope? Was it incredibly accurate? Please subscribe to our new article alert and/or RSS feeds.
Please leave your comments below: