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April 2020 Special Edition:
Silver Linings of the Lockdown*

By Brook Bhagat

Go to Humorscope page for more

hand sanitizer with aloe by Brook Bhagat

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

This month, with social media looming large as a window to the outside world, it can be tempting to compare yourself to others. Sure, according to their selfies, some people are practicing hobbies like playing guitar, crocheting, or working on their abs with Zumba, but don’t feel bad. You are perfect just the way you are. Is gluing eyes to the hand sanitizer bottle and making cheap puns a hobby? Who cares—I find that shit hilarious. And do you know what’s funny about an afghan? Nothing.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Aquarius, do you have a certain chatty relative whose calls you’ve been somehow missing for months? Well, at last Aunt Sally knows you’re home. Get ready to hear the long version of the story about her toe surgery last year and thoroughly understand the difference between callouses and corns. Learning is fun!

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

These times present a unique opportunity to realize deep truths about someone important—you. This month, thanks to that sexy face mask, you’ll finally know what the people close to you have known for a long time about your breath.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You may wish you could dip the mail in bleach, but you can’t deny that social distancing is granting you some much needed space. It’s a story as old as time—what starts out as a one-time thanks-for-your-service handshake becomes a one-time hug… then, it’s like, we hugged yesterday, better do it again today… and before you know it, you get the feeling that a certain mail carrier wants to be “more than friends.”

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Have you been wondering whether it’s time to call it quits with your sweetheart? Well, thanks to being together 24/7, that wondering is over!

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good news! This month, your new career is going to really take off. You did make the switch you were thinking about from chiropractor to porch pirate, right?

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

It was a close one, but thanks to the lockdown, you’ll finally crack open that can of kidney beans you bought in 2010—just a month before the “best by” date. Whew!

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Have you become known for your goatee, but always wondered if you’re still young enough to pull off a soul patch? Ladies, are you curious about what would happen if you stop plucking and bleaching and let your Fu Manchu come in soft and silky like nature intended? This month, thanks to these glorious masks, you can experiment as much as you like!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Wow, Virgo! Your high-touch surfaces have never been so shiny.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Social distancing is nothing but a get-out-of-jail-free card if you look at it right—you’re literally untouchable. This month, enjoy your six-foot bubble and release those silent-but-deadlies with abandon.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Look on the bright side, Scorpio. There may be extra housework these days in some ways, like wiping down your groceries before putting them away and washing your apples with dishsoap, but there is also less housework in some ways. For example, it will be easy to forget what day it is, and that will save you from dragging the trash out to the curb for trash day at least once. Good times!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

The grass is always greener, right, Sagittarius? Remember how you used to get mad about having to work weekends? Well, there’s nothing like a month with your family to make you remember how much you love your job.

*Obviously, there’s nothing funny about the Coronavirus pandemic or COVID-19. We at Blue Planet Journal urge you to act with an abundance of caution, staying home, washing your hands frequently and well, and practicing social distancing. However, if we stopped laughing at things that scare us, nothing would be funny anymore, not even dog farts. And nobody wants to live in a world where the dog farts are allowed to win.

About the author

Brook Bhagat

Brook Bhagat’s poetry, fiction, non-fiction, and humor have appeared in Monkeybicycle, Empty Mirror Magazine, Anthem: A Tribute to Leonard Cohen, and other journals and anthologies. She and her husband Gaurav created Blue Planet Journal, which she edits and writes for. She teaches creative writing at a community college. Her poetry collection, Only Flying, is due out Nov. 16, 2021 from Unsolicited Press. See more at Brook Bhagat or reach her on Twitter.

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