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~September 2014~

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You are going through a period of great change, either outwardly, inwardly or both. Try to trust the process, have patience and be gentle with yourself during the transition. Remember that even though, as the butterfly enters the cocoon, it doesn’t know if it will make it out alive, deep inside, it already knows how to fly, whether it realizes it or not. The best guidance for you during this powerful transformation will probably be cartoons. Yes, you will be all right, but you need to watch lots and lots of cartoons.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

The morning rush hour traffic jams are annoying, and all that pollution is horrible for the environment. Instead of cursing, grinding your teeth and making fingernail gauges in your steering wheel, try riding your bike to work. Not only will you get in shape, but you’ll finally have the excuse you’ve been looking for to wear those fluorescent orange spandex pants to work.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

September 21st marks the Autumn Equinox and the Pagan holiday of Mabon, when some offer gifts to the gods and goddesses and request protection for the long winter months to come. Others choose to recognize how the festival comes as light and darkness are equal on the earth, and seek balance in their own lives. You’d be better off choosing this mode of celebration, especially since a good number of your friends are still blaming last year’s harsh winter on you and your offering to the gods of those hideous, twice-regifted polyester socks.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

After the long, hot summer, crisp, fresh sweater weather sounds refreshing. The Autumn Equinox is the perfect time to get out and reconnect with the natural world. Plan a day of reflection, meditation and quality time with Mother Nature, walking through the woods, hearing the crunch of fallen leaves beneath your feet and reveling in the sweet sounds and smells of your native planet. Keep your eye on Her, too, because the chances are, as usual, you are going to step in something.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

This month, the brisk September air will lead you to new depths on your spiritual path. Heeding the call of the leaves rustling in the wind, you follow them to their source and begin a deep relationship with a tree near your house. New experiences will come when you sit in silent communion with your tree, bringing bliss and, eventually, the ability to leave your body and travel astrally, beyond space and time, to other worlds. You will get a glimpse of THE NEXT UNIVERSE and learn that the old saying, “The early bird gets the worm,” isn’t always true. On the other side, it’s the early worms who get the bird. In all fairness, though, most worms on the other side are horrible drivers, especially when they have to get up early.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Do your friends come over, drink all your beer, and crash out on the couch and floor? You are getting older every day, and it’s time to stop doing childish things like drawing on them with markers or decorating them with shaving cream. Alcoholism is a serious disease; you need to teach them a lesson about the dangers of drinking, and mockery is clearly not working. In this case, confusion and fear may be more effective. So, the next time they pass out in your living room, scare them straight by positioning them with business law books in their hands, or maybe knitting needles with half-made sweaters.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Are you tired of watching the in-crowd flaunt their flashy phones? Show all those high-falutin’ iphone and Galaxy users that you’re just as fancy by decorating your mobile phone with puffy glitter paint and sequins. I’m pretty sure technology is cyclical—soon they’re all be copying you, and asking you how you made your unlimited-minutes-soup-can-and-string look so good!

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Have you ever gotten a cramp in your baby toe? If not, there could be a new experience in store for you this month.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

The weather is beginning to get cold, and it’s a good idea to make a kind of emergency kit to keep in your car for winter in case you get lost or stuck somewhere which, this year, is pretty likely for you. Essentials you should pack include water, dry noodles, matches, first aid supplies, and a purple crayon.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Your courage will spark a new era of love, peace and solidarity this month when you reveal to the internet world that you’re not ashamed to admit that you sleep with a “blankie,” and keep a large piece of its lint in your wallet so that you can be together all the time. Suddenly, fellow blankie lovers of all colors, castes and creeds will begin coming out and standing up together for world peace and the human right to nap undisturbed. Your original song and Youtube video, “Don’t Blank my Blankie (Not Hidin’ Under the Covers No More)” will go viral, and you will eventually be credited with inspiring peace in the Middle East when, in an unprecedented act of civil disobedience, protesters from diverse backgrounds and religions knit together the largest blanket ever recorded and literally cover the Gaza Strip for the world’s first mass nap-in, called “Peace Blanket.” Good times!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

While working on your ever-evolving project of making the “ultimate afternoon snack,” you will accidentally discover the secret to creating the anti-gravity combustion engine when you add peanut butter and an overripe banana to some very special nachos from the local gas station, which you will call “nacho drag.” A sudden career change from your current occupation to being a flying car engineer will bring a lot of laughs from your friends and family at first, but follow your gut. You will be laughing all the way to the bank when the first model of the Turbo Nachotron 5000 rolls off the line!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Recent events have you thinking way too much, and you may even be having trouble getting to sleep at night. In a sense, it’s not your fault; it’s the nature of the human mind to get attached to its own “problems,” and think that they are very important. The next time this happens, make yourself a cup of warm milk and honey, watch the documentary below, and show some compassion for someone who has real problems!

Read October 2014 humorscope: Happy Halloween! Get me the boooo-tiful Octoberhumorscope

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