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May 2019

By Christopher Scribner

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

College commencements are upon us. It’s a generally happy time, but you’ve lived long enough to recognize the season’s hazards. You brace yourself for the bottleneck and mayhem of tens of thousands of new college grads who have spent their past four years violently vying to become “tomorrow’s leaders.” Well, “tomorrow” has arrived, and they’re all poised at the head of the pack, oblivious to the fact that none of their fellow graduates are followers.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You’re bewildered upon realizing that people routinely apply deodorant to only two things: their armpits, and (unintentionally) the black pullover garments they wear. You resolve to exploit the product’s benefits more widely this month, rubbing that white solid on other things that stink: the kitchen garbage pail, for example. And it can even do double duty as Wite-Out for a piece of writing you’re not yet happy with!

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Your taxes are done, and again this year you failed to fully fund your Roth IRA. You resolve to do better next year, and begin this month to economize by cutting your own hair. Also, when showering you think to shampoo first, allowing the suds to flow down your body, thereby saving some money on soap.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

The expected lifespan of the Canadian beaver is 13 to 30 years. Just mentioning that on the off chance that question comes up at next weekend’s trivia contest.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Ice cream season is upon us! You begin to frequent the sweet shops to indulge in the creamy delights. But the tactile pleasure of grasping a top-heavy sugar cone is soon spoiled by sticky melted ice cream running down the sides of the cone. You cope by adopting the novel technique of holding it upside down and licking from the bottom; this proves to be less sticky, but not quite successful on the whole.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Your musings while lying in bed lead you to ponder the mind/body problem. It doesn’t take long for the indisputable truth to smack you between the eyes, and you finally realize that mental events – despite your most diligent efforts – simply cannot occur in the absence of an underlying biology. You are thereby humbled, and peacefully drift off to sleep.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Your therapy is finally starting to have an impact, as you’re able this week to maintain your composure when the pharmacist laughs uproariously at the number and kind of prescriptions you’re picking up.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Your new relationship has been progressing well, but you’re still surprised when your significant other impulsively and unexpectedly stays the night at your place for the first time. When they ask to borrow your toothbrush you say no, citing hygiene concerns – and offer them your index finger instead.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You find yourself in a bit of a sticky wicket this month as you ponder the likely risks of notifying the police, upset as you are after a bit of match-fixing by the Mob compromises your croquet results.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Grateful this month for your social circle, you invite your friends over for a homey dinner of cilantro-lime steak with chimichurri sauce. In preparation, you also complete a thorough spring cleaning – and although the newly mopped floor is so clean you can eat off it, your guests appear bothered by your suggestion that they do so.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

It’s clear now that you must address the problem, so you call your internist to see if anything can be done about your severe, lingering case of piloerection. Sure, it’s no big deal during the wintertime, or even at scary movies – but now it’s ruined yet another job interview, and something’s gotta be done.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

To spruce things up a bit for spring, you decide to repaint your living room with some leftover paint gifted to you by your cousin. Sure, it’s used paint – but her living room’s dimensions are close enough to yours that it will probably work out fine.

About the author

Christopher Scribner

Christopher Scribner’s poetry, satire, and humor has appeared internationally in The Quarterday Review, Euphony, Light, Parody, Untamed Ink, Rat’s Ass Review, Survey of Ophthalmology, Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, Journal of Irreproducible Results and other publications. When not writing, he teaches psychology at Lindenwood University.


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