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May 2018

By Jason Graff

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Capricorn, you will be called upon by friends to help clarify matters. It will be annoying to have to cater to them at first, but take heart. It is a compliment to be known this way by those closest to you. They hold in highest regard your keen insight and even-temperament. You can cut through the nonsense and get to the heart of any issue. This is thanks in no small part to your set of Miracle Blades.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Unfortunately Aquarius, you will have to reach outside of your family circle to confront your most stubborn challenge to date. You will need to reach deep to wipe the mark this threatens to leave on your character. Thankfully, Scrub Daddy can get to places ordinary sponges can’t.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Let them laugh all they want, Pisces. You know how to use The Shakeweight and they just have dirty minds. Look at that toning power.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

It will be a month of settling feuds for you, Aires. These will not be minor altercations but instead matters of intellectual life and death among your closest friends. Be flattered that they turn to you. You are so admired due precisely to this coolness of your head, which you in turn can attribute to your Chillow. Every side of it is the cool side of the pillow!

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Some may laugh at your plans, Taurus but this is the month you prove them wrong. They think you are naïve to hope, childish to be so optimistic, misguided to think things will be so easy. But you will show them that a positive attitude can go a long way, especially where one’s health is concerned. Yes, you will leap out of your Hawaii Chair and show them just how rock hard your midsection has become.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

This will be the month friends finally start listening to you Gemini. For years now, you have told them to jettison their outdated views that truth was beauty and that the more painful the truth the more beautiful life became as a result. All it will take will be one brief demonstration of The Finishing Touch Flawless Women's Painless Hair Remover to uproot all of their hard-earned assumptions and put them on the gentler path.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Now is the time to make space in your life, Cancer. Things have gotten cluttered and crowded to the point that you can barely think straight. You need not get rid of that which is important to you, necessarily, but some rearranging of things is in order, in fact it’s long overdue. Thankfully, Wonder Hangers are here to help.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Leo, you will begin to mend the fissures in your personal relationships in a meaningful way this month. It matters not what sort of damage has been done, from old wounds to new cracks. You will discover the secret to mend them all, the amazing sealing power of Flex Seal. I probably just would not try the boat thing to be honest.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will reveal yourself this month, Virgo. In turn, you will also find out who people you thought you know truly are. Yes, masks will slip and the results will not always please. Fortunately, you’ve been wearing The Rejuvenique Mask so your skin will be fresher than those creepers whose masks were merely hypothetical.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

This month Libra, you will truly discovered the many-faceted nature of life and love. The answer will not arrive in a form you expect and things will get a little messy. Worry not, though, once you discover that The Shamwow is a like a chamois, a towel and sponge all in one, your life will never be the same.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Scorpio, this month you’ll find no memory is too heavy for you to hold up. Some may be prettier than others, some may cut a little close to the bone but you can feel certain of your strength to face them, especially once you discover The Hercules Hook.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Hey Sagittarius, is that Freedom Rock? It is! I think you know what to do.

About the author

Jason Graff

Jason Graff is a writer living in Texas with his wife and son. Click the link to learn The White Wolf’s Secret. He can be found on Twitter @jasongraff1, Facebook at Author Jason Graff and his website. His first full-length novel, heckler, will be released in 2019 by Unsolicited Press.

Read June 2018 humorscope: Of course, let's go...

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