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March 2019

By Christopher Scribner

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St. Patrick's dog

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

After a few too many green beers at Brennan’s, you mention loudly and repeatedly that the jumbled letters of St. Patrick’s Day can form the sentence Cad spars kitty. Laughing maniacally, you shriek, “I like to fight! I have a cat!” as they toss you out on your artificially pointed leprechaun ear.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

A wave of calm washes over you as you gaze out the window at the layer of fresh, untrodden snow. All is good. You later notice a similar feeling of comfort and reassurance when you open the plastic bottle of your newly refilled medication and see how full it is. No sir, pestilence, illness, and disease won’t get you this month, either!

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Your hopes of a promising new relationship are dashed this month when that heretofore intriguing person casually mentions that they sometimes just can’t be bothered to wash their thighs when showering.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Financial concerns loom large this month. Though the initial surgery went well, your gerbil develops post-operative complications. The veterinarian recommends a tiny colostomy, and you regret declining the pet insurance option during your last open enrollment period.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

As part of your Spring cleaning, you decide to finally tackle the nasty splatters inside the microwave. But after a few cursory sponge swipes it occurs to you that any bacteria in there have been repeatedly exposed to microwave radiation – so even if the oven itself isn’t sterilized, the bacteria in it probably are. Next project?

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Feeling lucky, you head off to the track to place your bet on the Spring Sloth Races, and remember this year to bring your copy of Infinite Jest to read. At the end of page 703 you look up to see your pick, Mossy Mercury, #4 in the green silks, mired in the mud just past the first turn. The rest of the competitors are all just hanging upside down from the inner rail of the track. Once again, looks like there will be no photo finish this year!

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You finally complete your application to go back to school – only to learn that the University’s new president doesn’t have a college degree, but does have a criminal record. You hesitate briefly, but then recall that your plan to major in Communications is driven largely by the desire to learn how to talk your way into getting a job. This school should be an excellent learning environment.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

While mowing the lawn, you’re amazed at how the power lines behind your house sway with perfectly parallel precision as they extend toward the vanishing point on the horizon. You regain your composure long enough to finish cutting the grass, but then burn your butt as you perch atop the mower’s engine to stare into the abyss and question the meaning of your existence.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You become annoyed at your dentist this month as she repeatedly asks you questions while your mouth is full of gauze, Novocain, and her fingers. But you channel your displeasure productively and finally submit your patent application for MintyMini Palm-sized Dental Semaphor Flags to facilitate communication in such situations.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You start trembling while applying your daily moisturizer, envisioning just how much more dry your dry skin would be if you had never ever used any. Several pounds of the stuff have been massaged in and absorbed this year alone; you resolve never to discontinue this routine lest you become dry and brittle as a saltine cracker.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Benevolence reigns this month: when the girl at the McDonald’s counter asks what you want, you smile and beam with hope while simply replying “world peace.” She looks confused and hollers for the shift supervisor, a heavy-set woman named Flo who will undoubtedly be pleased when you ask her to “supersize it.”

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You go to see the ocularist this month after suffering irreparable damage to your cornea. As he’s in the midst of fitting you for your prosthesis, he excuses himself to go to the stockroom for a slightly larger one, promising to return shortly. Your reply – “Okay, I’ll keep an eye out for you” – earns you a 10% discount.

About the author

Christopher Scribner

Christopher Scribner’s poetry, satire, and humor has appeared internationally in The Quarterday Review, Euphony, Light, Parody, Untamed Ink, Rat’s Ass Review, Survey of Ophthalmology, Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, Journal of Irreproducible Results and other publications. When not writing, he teaches psychology at Lindenwood University.

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