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March 2018

By Jason Graff

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Capricorn, you’d be wise to prepare yourself for the month ahead. I see perilous adventures on the horizon. They will take place in such far afield places as the laundromat, grocery store and pharmacy. Much will be learned from these experiences, like how widely peoples' notion of what makes something perilous can vary and what can constitute an adventure.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Aquarius, this month will find you. Try to hide all you want, March is coming. It will drag you from seclusion into the light. There will be no April until March is done with you. Better pack a hearty lunch.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

This month, Pisces, you will see a dramatic rise in viewings of your online profile. Musicians, athletes and celebrities from all over the world will be looking to get in touch with you. And to think how they laughed when you changed your name to Drake.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

The month ahead, Aires, will have 31 days. It will commence on a Thursday and end on a Saturday. I have never been as confident of my predictions as I am with this one. You may wish to bet on these outcomes.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Taurus, later this month your neighbor will be holding an important package for you. It will be delivered in good condition and left with her because the courier deemed her trustworthy. You’ll marvel at how quickly it came and will make a mental note to use this service the next time you send a parcel.***This prediction was brought to you by Don the Courier. When you’ve got something that needs to be gone, better call Don.***

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Don’t be cowed by your lot in life this month, Gemini. There are better beasts of the field to emulate. Takes goats for example. Did you know they never suffer from restless leg syndrome? It’s due mainly to their high-iron diet. You know, from all the tin cans they eat.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Cancer, don’t let your lack of patience get the better of you this month. Good things are on the way, but as we all know, they take time. Console yourself with the knowledge that few are being showered with the blessings you are soon to receive. Then do it again and again and again, because these good things are going to take some time getting to you.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Looking at your chart this month, Leo, I see much turmoil for you in your personal life. The problem could’ve been avoided had you remembered an important date and sent the proper gift using a reliable courier, rather than one of those fly-by-night outfits. Next time, better call Don. ***This prediction was brought to you by Don the Courier as well. When you’ve got something that’s needs to be gone, better call Don.***

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Virgo, this month you will finally master the art of dancing like no one’s watching. Now, if only you could sing when no one’s listening, your service to mankind would be complete.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

This month I have a challenge for you, Libra. Before I make my prediction I must quote Spinoza, who says: “My purpose is to explain not the meaning of words, but the nature of things.” Now on to my prediction: Wednesday 45 degrees, partly cloudy.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Well, Scorpio, this will be the month those periods of self-abnegation finally pay off. Your body and soul have been purified. Life’s palate has truly been cleansed. So yes, finally, after a prolonged period of self-sacrifice, you are ready to enjoy extra cheese on your pizza.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will discover what few can claim to know this month, Sagittarius. There is no one right dance move, just a succession of moves passed down to us from our earliest ancestors.

About the author

Jason Graff

Jason Graff is an educator as well as a writer of essays, poetry and fiction. In the Service of the Boyar, published by Strange Fictions Press, is his debut novella. He can be found on Twitter @jasongraff1, Facebook at Author Jason Graff as well as at a website in need of updating. An excerpt from his forthcoming novel Stray Our Pieces is up over at The Write Launch.

Read April 2018 humorscope: For humor's sake, take me there!

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