the science and soul of an innocent world


Humorscope Feed

BPJ Humorscope Feed

Subscribe to BPJ RSS
Humorscope Feed

Enter your email:

Delivered by FeedBurner

June 2019

By Christopher Scribner

Go to Humorscope page for more

success starts here

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You go for a drive in the midst of a painfully long dating dry spell, but get ticketed when you abruptly swerve into the exit lane after seeing a highway sign declaring “Attraction Next Exit.” Who can blame you – you’ve been lonely! Fortunately, when you appear for your court date, the judge is distracted upon seeing his black-robed image in the bathroom mirror, and decides he should really pursue a gig as a wizard instead. Case dismissed!

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Economize: this month you use only single entendres!

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Your persuasive skills come in handy when the local veterinarian confronts you about your frequent visits to the clinic without ever having an animal with you. “Doc, sometimes I just gots to get me some of that diggity dog love, ya know?” She nods sympathetically and relinquishes her concern that you are just some creepy petophile.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

After a suggestion from your therapist, you reach emotional closure by writing angry letters to all the people who have wronged you, then set them aflame. Afterwards, you try to figure out what to do with the letters.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You busy yourself this month attending to all the administrative details required for you to charter a fan club for Ron Weasley, Tonto, Robin, Dr. Watson, and other under-appreciated sidekicks.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You’re plagued by waves of insecurity this month when you begin noticing that the autocorrect on your phone is generating words and phrases that actually do seem to reveal your true meaning. You decide to go all in, banking on the powers of artificial intelligence to know what’s right for you. You’re impressed when, in the middle of a bad Tinder date, your Amazon Prime ap pops up with “you might also like…” accompanied by an array of photos of other possible Tinder dates.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

At a friend’s wedding this month, you flaunt your special relationship to the bride by bringing your own basmati rice to throw, leaving those with only common long-grain rice to hang their heads in shame.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Your love life is trending upwards! Compared to your bevy of recent baes, the current one stands out because they can recite that alphabet song backwards, and because they recycle not just aluminum, but also strontium. Uncertain of being worthy of such a catch, you slap yourself in the head a few times with your new Adidas Nite Jogger sneaker, which does seem to help.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You petulantly drunk-text your old English teacher this month, railing against his contributions to the mockery that is the American educational system, all the while splitting infinitives with impunity.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You decide this month to enroll in a graduate program in quantum physics in hopes of finally determining why, after clipping your toenails, the corners always grow back the fastest.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Weary of tacking up your reminders to yourself with pushpins in the drywall, you finally spring for a bulletin board, and affix it with pushpins to the drywall.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You finally take the plunge this month and file your patent application for all-natural earwax candles. You start reaching out to suppliers, but a few of them flinch and pull away, annoyed.

About the author

Christopher Scribner

Christopher Scribner’s poetry, satire, and humor has appeared internationally in The Quarterday Review, Euphony, Light, Parody, Untamed Ink, Rat’s Ass Review, Survey of Ophthalmology, Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, Journal of Irreproducible Results and other publications. When not writing, he teaches psychology at Lindenwood University.


Did you like the humorscope? Was it incredibly accurate? Please subscribe to our new article alert and/or RSS feeds.
Please leave your comments below: