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July 2019

By Christopher Scribner

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big john

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Upon entering the 2nd floor restroom at work, you take umbrage at finding your favored stall is being used by somebody else. You’ve consistently used that stall for months; surely squatters’ rights apply! You return later that day with a can of spray paint to tag your territory.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You protest to the superintendent when you learn that the peer support group at your child’s school has devolved into a name-calling rivalry between the Caesarean born children and those who were participants in a vaginal birth.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Only with reluctance do you clip your toenails. Those slim jagged crescents were once part of your being, so set aside a bit of time this month for grieving. And reconsider all that nose-picking as well.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Commuting is enhanced by your self-administered challenge this month. Sure it takes longer – but you’re still pleased to discover a new route to work that involves no left turns whatsoever.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You return to the park where you carved your middle-school sweetie’s initials in that tree, but are saddened to find that the bark has grown over the carving, creating a strikethrough font effect. Guess that explains why the two of you are no longer together.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

This month your efforts to give your cat a bath fail badly, as your tongue lacks the requisite spiny papillae. Plus, it confuses the cat.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You commit this month to begin your long overdue crusade to eliminate outdated phrases like “hang up the phone,” “dial the phone,” and “roll down the window.”

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You astutely notice this month that the turtle dove is both slower and harder than a standard dove. You resolve to call the University about possible funding to further explore this line of inquiry.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You finish off that fifth of vodka, but then become enraged when you’re unable to recall the first four. A few more drinks soothe your anger, reassuring you that your alcohol use is not a problem, but a solution.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Twice this month you storm out of religious services. You persuade the women in the congregation to join you in a boycott until the minister comes up with a gender-neutral alternative to the word “hymn.”

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You decide this month to begin moonlighting as a magician. Your steady practice has led to improvement, but in the midst of it all you learn – the hard way – that the two absolute worst audiences for magic tricks are newborn babies and dogs. They’re completely unimpressed.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You invite friends over for an evening of gin rummy, but then panic upon realizing you’re not sure whether that’s a card game or an adult beverage. Not to worry! The party proceeds apace, because it can be fun either way.

About the author

Christopher Scribner

Christopher Scribner’s poetry, satire, and humor has appeared internationally in The Quarterday Review, Euphony, Light, Parody, Untamed Ink, Rat’s Ass Review, Survey of Ophthalmology, Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, Journal of Irreproducible Results and other publications. When not writing, he teaches psychology at Lindenwood University.


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