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January 2021

By Brook Bhagat

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Netflix is right, Capricorn—Death to 2020! I know it’s been rough, but the stars are looking up for you in 2021 in almost every way: career-wise, health-wise, relationship-wise—every way except spider-wise. Happy New Year!

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

2021 is the year you get in shape, Aquarius! Instead of buying some overpriced exercise equipment, bring your workout to the next level for free with a simple schedule change. Instead of jogging in the morning, go out around 2 am. Nothing will step up your cardio quite like the fear of being murdered.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Opportunity will knock this year when you discover a small wormhole on the other side of your garbage disposal. It’s not big enough to go through, but you will be able to pull out certain objects from alternate universes, the most awesome of which being a digital copy of Titanic that has a happy ending and stars Jack Nicholson instead of Leonardo DiCaprio. Needless to say, you will make a small fortune. Good times!

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

This year, the key to achieving your goals and dreams is to be true to your vision and keep your priorities clear in your mind. A good role model to follow is the great Enzo Ferrari, who said of his cars, “I don’t care if the door gaps are straight. When the driver steps on the gas, I want him to shit his pants.”

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

In 2020, two roads diverged in the wood. Did you take the path less travelled? If so, that’s probably a good place to look for your keys.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

I’m not going to lie to you, Gemini. 2021 will be present challenges for you, but if you are wise, you’ll use those challenges to learn and grow. Persistent car trouble, for example, will teach you that no job is impossible if you have the tools you need. The main tool you will need is a new car.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Start 2021 off right with a new nickname that will show everyone there’s more to you than meets the eye. If you work in a bank, for example, tell all your work friends that you will only answer to “Spike” or maybe “Ace.” If you belong to a motorcycle gang, tell everybody that your new handle is “Haiku,” and share some of your poetry with them. Your friendships will reach new levels when you subsequently learn that Swing Arm enjoys painting watercolors, and Tiny collects glass penguin figurines.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

The bad news is that you will fail to follow through with every single one of your New Year’s resolutions. The good news is that, now that you know this, you can beat the system by inserting the word “not” into your resolutions from the beginning. For example, “I resolve not to stop smoking, not to stop eating Ho-Hos for breakfast, and not to stop freaking out the cat by starting loud catfight videos while she’s sleeping.”

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

It’s 2021 already, Virgo! Finalize the negotiation you’ve been working on, and fast. You’re going to need that shark costume sooner than you think.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

This year, try letting your guard down if you want to have deep, satisfying relationships. A good first step might be to stop kicking your cat out of the bathroom when you’re going #2.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

This year, amazing things are going to happen—true love, great wealth, fame and excellent digestion are all possible for you in 2021. The most important step you can take to making all this a reality is to legally change your name to Wanda or Hubert, respectively.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

The world will open its arms to you in 2021, Sagittarius, and there’s no wrong way to fall in love. There is, however, a wrong way to open the curtains with a machete. Remember that.

About the author

Brook Bhagat

Brook Bhagat’s work has appeared in Monkeybicycle, Empty Mirror Magazine, Anthem: A Tribute to Leonard Cohen, and other journals and anthologies, and she is the winner of A Story in 100 Words’s nature writing contest. She and her husband Gaurav created Blue Planet Journal, which she edits and writes for, and she is an assistant professor of English at a community college. Her poetry collection, Only Flying, is due out in Nov. 2021 from Unsolicited Press. See more at Brook Bhagat or reach her on Twitter.

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