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August 2019

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

There’s nothing wrong with growing up, but don’t lose your sense of hope and wonder, Capricorn. You need to believe in yourself if you want your dreams to come true, and you need to believe in the tooth fairy if you want her to come. I know your molar is still there under the pillow, and I know the smell is making it hard to sleep, but it’s that kernel of doubt in your mind that’s keeping her from coming in your window and taking that precious, bacteria-laden collection of memories to a better place. Show your trust in the universe by sticking a little rolled-up toilet paper up your nose every night and reassuring your tooth with unwavering faith that “tonight will be the night.” The tooth fairy is real, and she will reward you someday beyond your wildest dreams. Well, if your wildest dream is to get a dollar.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

This month, you will continue your quest for understanding the deepest and most impenetrable paradoxes and mysteries of life, despite your beloved’s insistence that the mystical in fact resides within the practical world. You will mock this idea until you find yourself stranded on the roadside, pondering the meaning of that “check engine” light you’ve been ignoring.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

This month, a sudden memory of economics class and your rudimentary understanding of the law of supply and demand will inspire you to start your own business, setting up a hot dog stand at the local organic farmer’s market. You will be surprised to discover how well educated some hippies really are about GMOs, the meat industry and the New World Order, how much they enjoy sharing their knowledge, and how much free time they seem to have. Needless to say, you will soon be a vegetarian with a new dreadlocked lover named Otter who smells vaguely of patchouli. Congratulations, you two, and good luck with the organic asparagus stand!

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Stop sending postdated letters to your significant other “from the future” bragging about your famous inventions and complaining about flying car traffic jams—they don’t believe you for a minute. Send them to yourself.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Summer is your season, and lately, you have been as happy as a schoolgirl on Saturday. You can even say, as some sage before you did, that “life is a like bowl of cherries.” You cannot, however, sneak into the fridge in the wee hours of the night and pick all the cherries out of the family-size fruit cocktail meant for everyone. Not cool, Taurus. Not cool.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Your pet hamster just doesn’t seem like himself lately. He sleeps all day, barely touches his food pellets, and runs like a maniac on his wheel all night long. Has he gone off the deep end? Is he depressed? Has he begun to doubt the meaning of his narrow glass-walled existence, fearing that life is nothing more than an endless repetition of similar tasks, played out in a pathetic mixture of shredded newspaper and his own feces, that lead ultimately only to a lonely, meaningless death, beyond which lies no punishment and no reward, but only an empty abyss or, worse yet, infinite lifetimes of desperately suckling at the looming water bottles that hang over his head, threatening annihilation and distorting reality, doling out droplets that can never truly satisfy either body or soul? Probably not, buddy. He’s a hamster. Get him checked for worms.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You win some, you lose some. Sometimes victory just isn’t in the cards, and that’s a good lesson for athletes to learn. Sometimes, also, a game gets cancelled because a swarm of bees is released, or, I mean, just flies naturally onto the field. And that’s a tie. Just sayin’.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Your life will take on new meaning and depth when you finally find the courage to chase your high school dream of starting a heavy metal/ polka fusion band. It will be a struggle at first, not because the music you create is less than soul-shattering, but because your audience is unclear about the services you provide, often showing up at concerts with piles of dirty laundry. Your drummer will blame you for naming the band “The Dry Cleanerz,” but your loyal accordionist will remain by your side, believing as deeply as you do in your message of rebellion against the “stains of conformity.” Eventually, you will become an international superstar, and your fans will wear long plastic garment bags as a sign of solidarity. Good times!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Commando is a 2013 Hindi action thriller directed by Dilip Ghosh and produced by Vipul Shah. It is also an American slang term for not wearing underwear. If only you had known both of these yesterday, you would have known the right answer when a certain someone asked you, “Want to see Commando?” Well, live and learn.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Ever wonder why cats look so happy? It’s because they really don’t care what you (or anyone else) thinks of them. Either that or they are reflecting on their ability to lick their own genitals, which is kind of the same thing, I guess. Follow their example, and all your problems will drift away on the tuna boat of dreams.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

A fortuitous meeting with a door-to-door sales representative will result in a spicy new romance, and the purchase of several above-average cleaning products for your home or office. Score!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

This month, your wildest dreams will come true. Well, the one you had after you drank that expired milk and fell asleep on the sofa will, anyway… about your cousin and the snake. Freaky.

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