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April 2019

By Christopher Scribner

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Have you ever seen a baby sneeze for the very first time? The mixture of relief, surprise, and concern on that little snot-covered face? Well, you are privileged to witness it this month when you go to meet your sister’s newborn. Upon returning home, you begin stockpiling canisters of black pepper, hoping to recapture that wonder for yourself. Before long, though, your addictive personality gets the best of you and you have to admit that you’re powerless over sneezing, your life has become unmanageable, and you need to begin going to 12-step meetings.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

After holding out as long as you could, you finally cave and file for disability benefits because of your worsening Restless Legs Syndrome. Riding your bicycle has become hazardous, and at this point you’re really just annoying the other players on your indoor soccer team.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You reach new depths of intimacy with your friends by finding out whether, upon hearing the word “shingles,” they think of roofing materials or the varicella virus. For those who make the cut, you ask a follow up question about “spam”: email marketing effort or canned processed meat? Personality is always revealed in the details.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

With spring’s arrival, you renew your appreciation for the beauty and wonder of nature, but your enraged spouse files for divorce when you persist in photographing the way the thigh-high weeds in the backyard reflect the waning light rather than just pulling them.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

At your law-breaking cousin’s arraignment hearing, his attorney tries to get him released on his own recognizance, but to no avail. In a gesture of familial support, you offer to allow him to be released on your recognizance instead, and the judge is surprisingly receptive. Now your cousin owes you big time; begin planning how you’ll collect on that debt!

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Like many people, you hesitate to eat things you cannot identify. This month, you begin a regimen of multivitamins after recognizing that you’ve become malnourished since you began puzzling over the enigma of what a pot-luck’s “covered dishes” become once the covers are removed.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

At the big family reunion this month, you finally get to meet your grandfather on your mother’s side, but your conversation is cut short when she brushes him off because her ribs are ticklish.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

This month you experience a feeling of rejuvenation and lightness when you’re finally able to relinquish your long-cherished but futile hope that your old i-pod shuffle would bring riches on EBay. You take it to recycling, but for old time’s sake save those sweet earbuds with their waxy patina.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Be kind to yourself this month, Virgo, as you recover from the shock and morbid disillusionment of realizing that the Man in the Moon is really just an Adolescent Boy in the Moon. Which actually explains a lot.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

This month, make time to study the continuously blinking turn indicator on that car ahead of you to discern its message. No, of course it’s not Morse code; that would too simplistic. But with keen attention to its rhythm, you might find the key to unlock The Secret – or at least finally resolve the question of whether the newly mounted toilet paper roll should go over or under.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You’re perplexed when you notice the dispenser of hand sanitizer on your desk is not where it was yesterday. It’s moved ever so slightly. You chastise your co-workers, telling them to get their own. But when you lift it to move it back you notice the horde of glaring, wriggling, highly motivated microbes gathered beneath it – and they are angry.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

This month, after years of searching for the career path that will satisfy your longing to fulfill your potential and bring a sense of purpose to your life, a late-night date with Youtube brings your true destiny to light. Full of inspiration, you take out loans and enroll in medical school to pursue your dream of becoming a surgeon specializing in face-swapology. Good luck!

About the author

Christopher Scribner

Christopher Scribner’s poetry, satire, and humor has appeared internationally in The Quarterday Review, Euphony, Light, Parody, Untamed Ink, Rat’s Ass Review, Survey of Ophthalmology, Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, Journal of Irreproducible Results and other publications. When not writing, he teaches psychology at Lindenwood University.


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