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April 2018

By Jason Graff

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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Capricorn, your most desirable traits will pay off this month. Your ambition, discipline and maturity will help you shine, especially in relation to your less-motivated colleagues. Sure, there will be some resentment but you won't let it deter you. Making others look bad is simply the price to be paid for such a high degree of industriousness. You are like a beaver in a world of sloths, so get out there and be yourself, you buck-toothed brown-noser.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

This month, Aquarius, the words of French philosopher Henri Bergson will be particularly helpful. For he says: “Laughter is the corrective force which prevents us from becoming cranks.” Wise words to bear in mind every time that guy behind you snaps his gum.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Pisces, this month will be a difficult one for you at work. Many complex problems will be need to be solved in such a short time that mistakes will be inevitable. Try not to let it bring you down. It will be several months more before these mistakes are uncovered and the correct amount of blame apportioned to you. Until then, try to enjoy the ride.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

This month you will finally learn to put yourself first, Aires. You will do many things for the first time solely for your own well-being. In your most radical act of self-care, you will remove the pins from a brand new dress shirt before putting it on. No longer will you suffer for fashion!

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Taurus, this will be a month for a journey to your innermost-self. Such an odyssey can be fraught with peril and you'll need to be prepared for your travels. Try keeping your soul in one of those garment bags you can stow in the overhead bin. So convenient!

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

I know well what your lucky numbers will be this month, Gemini. I will not be passing them on, however. I fear your arithmolism is getting worse. You need help. It is unhealthy to think of nothing but numbers, to dream of them every night, to look at a page and see letters tran548,9 237 + 45326 - 8652

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Cancer, this month will be one of important revelations for you. For one, you'll finally understand that meme everyone's been talking about. Yes, I know how stupid it is and no, I don’t think of cats that way but at least now, you won’t have to pretend to know what your friends are talking about. You will also realize that you may need new friends.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

This month, Leo, you'll be haunted by the same dream night after night. In it, you and Donald Duck are imprisoned for starting a cult in which the wearing of pants is banned. At trial, he cops a plea and attempts to blame the whole thing on you. It's ridiculous really because he's never worn pants. You wake just as the jury, comprised entirely of tadpoles, finds you guilty. One take away, never trust a duck. It is also most unwise to allow oneself to be judged by a group of tadpoles.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Virgo, this month will not be the easiest or the shortest or the sunniest. It will just be April. I’m sorry if that’s not enough for you but I don’t arrange the months, do I? I simply predict what will happen during them. What? You want to know if your vestigial tail will finally grow out? Ugh, is that all you can think about?

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

This will be a momentous month for you, Libra. You've worked hard at various jobs throughout your life but finally will find your true niche. You never expected to have a chicken recipe named after you but once you accidentally discover the secret ingredient, your life will never be the same. Now get to the grocery store, your future awaits.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Scorpio, this is the month that will find you finally in that place of solace you've sought for so long. Ensconced in this place of calm, you barely need to move -- that is until you find that waffle maker you've had your eye on has gone on sale. Don't delay, act now while supplies last!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Sagittarius, show the world you're unafraid of embracing oxymorons like “classic fads” and that cold world will arrive at your doorstep with open arms.

About the author

Jason Graff

Jason Graff is a writer living in Texas with his wife and son. Click the link to learn The White Wolf’s Secret. He can be found on Twitter @jasongraff1, Facebook at Author Jason Graff as well as at a website in need of updating. He also writes stories that sometimes sound like westerns but they aren’t, not at all.

Read May 2018 humorscope: Yaaaaaaaaaaaah baby, click click!!!

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