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August 2017
By Jason Graff
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Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
My charts are in serious disagreement over what lies ahead for you this month, Capricorn. On one hand, you could experience wonderful successes in the areas of relationship, finance as well as your career. Then again, you might also walk through a mislabeled door at a zoo and have a decidedly unpleasant encounter with a mother gorilla. So, I don’t know. Keep me posted, I guess?
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
This month will see you gain the attention of a secret admirer, Aquarius. They will scroll through your Twitter feed, flip through your Facebook photos and look to gather as much of your personal data as possible. They will never contact you but rather observe you anonymously, fantasizing about what you are like and even Photoshopping themselves into your old prom photos. Though their ardor will burn fiercely, you will never feel its warmth. It will all prove quite creepy when you think about it.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Pisces, Pisces, Pisces. The thing I have been telling you all along will come even closer to becoming true this month. It won’t happen but we are almost certainly nearing the cusp of it happening. Be sure you are ready to act. Well, be sure you are willing to wait just a bit longer, and then, eventually, act.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Aires, the universe has been concealing something from you. A revelation awaits you later this month. It will take the form of a kind of self-knowledge for which you may yet be unprepared. Whatever the outcome, one thing is certain: you'll never look at pleated slacks the same way again.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
A long journey comes to a conclusion this week, Taurus. You won’t reach your destination but simply run out of gas. Ironic, given that a car known best for its bland reliability was named after you. The universe really has a sick sense of humor.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Gemini, some of the questions that most bother your soul will be answered this week. Warning: the answers will tell you less about the world around you and more about your view of it. The abyss, you’ll find, is not exactly staring back at you but wearing sunglasses with heavily tinted lenses.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Enlightenment will find its way to you by a rather circuitous route this month, Cancer. It will lose its way a number of times, make several wrong turns but in the end find a way to reach you, just in time. A fact it will use the next time it gets lost as an excuse not to ask for directions.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Magic is in the air for you this month, Leo. Everything will seem to move as if urged on by an unseen hand. The spell will only be broken when someone explains to you how magnets work.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Virgo, I asked you not to touch the thermostat. I had it just where I like it.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
I loathe saying this but a month of turmoil awaits you, Libra. It will be one that will test every ounce of your fortitude. Wait, maybe I’m overstating it. Having written it out, I now see I was a tad dramatic. I don’t really loathe saying it. At most, I’m indifferent about saying it. Loathe is such a strong word, it really should be kept in reserve for only those instances, when it is really called for. Anywho, chin up tough times ahead.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Scorpio much will be made of your passionate nature this month. Mostly by you on a series of increasingly unsuccessful first dates. Try dialing it back a bit and saving that kind of talk for the 3rd or 4th date. I mean if you ever get that far, Admiral Intensity.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
The universe tells me that a journey is in your future, Sagittarius. So I've come here to give you a hand and lead you into the Promised Land. So, come on and take a free ride...wait, I think there are some classic rock radio waves getting mixed in with the universe's oracular transmissions to me...
About the author
Jason Graff is an educator as well as a writer of essays, poetry and fiction. A Pushcart Prize nominee, his work has been featured in numerous journals. In the Service of the Boyar, published by Strange Fictions Press, is his debut novella. He can be found on Twitter @jasongraff1 and on Facebook at Author Jason Graff. His latest short story “Stacey’s Dream” can be found in Remixt Magazine.
Read September 2017 Humorscope: Oh yes! Philosophy 101, why not?...
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